


Wild Western Wands

by TheTitaniumSerpent



Series: TitaniumSerpent's SSHG One-Shots [14]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Western, Americanized Potter, Bob Marley didn't shoot the sheriff, Don't copy to another site, F/M, HEA, Humor, Lily Evans Potter Bashing, Wizards in the West
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:34:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23177032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheTitaniumSerpent/pseuds/TheTitaniumSerpent
Summary: Who shot the Sheriff James Potter? Was it the jealous Doc Snape, the evil Deputy Sheriff Sirius Black, or someone else entirely? Did someone shoot the sheriff but perhaps they didn't shoot the deputy? Find out. One-shot. Ridiculous, because I am. Wild West AU, Americanized Harry Potter, and many other silly things.
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Severus Snape
Series: TitaniumSerpent's SSHG One-Shots [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1457368
Comments: 7
Kudos: 66





	Wild Western Wands

**Author's Note:**

> Not my world, not my characters, not my spells and not my money either (damn!). This fic was inspired by someone's wonderful SSHG-drawings in last year's SSHG Gift Exchange. I contemplated naming this "Wicked Wild Western Wands" and "Wands 'n Guns". Beta-read by two wonderful and amazing experts, Sweet Trufflepuff, who also helped with all things American, because that's not my specialty, and Sorasrardust, because and English isn't my first language anyway. If there are any mistakes left, they're entirely my fault because I always keep making changes.

“Murder! Murder! James Potter's been killed!”

Those words should have brought all the joy in the world to Doctor Severus Snape. They didn't, because they were quickly followed by the words of the newly widowed Lily Potter: “Snape's done it, I know he did, he's Dark! And must’ve murdered Sirius Black, too!”

Unfortunately, Potter was killed with the Killing Curse instead of a revolver, and everyone knew Snape was Dark. James Potter had said so on many occasions since the founding of the town of Hogwarts, a hidden magical community about twenty miles to the south from where the Kansas and Missouri rivers meet. Snape had grown up here, while Potter and his pal Sirius Black had ridden in fifteen years ago and settled in. Potter had married Lily Evans and been voted as sheriff, with Sirius Black as his deputy. Severus Snape had spent a couple of years away, learning to be a Healer and Potioneer, and returned to take over the medical practice by the invitation of Mayor Albus Dumbledore

Lily Potter, whose heart had been broken and torn by the murder of her husband, shouted her accusations out loud, and though most believed Potter's real killer was Deputy Sheriff Black, Lily wouldn't shut her mouth. She'd been accused of having a dalliance with the deputy. Rumor had it Black lured Potter into a trap using their mutual friend Peter Pettigrew as bait, and used the killing curse to finish off Potter, leaving Lily available. Since not a trace of Black had been seen since, Lily Potter and some others claimed that he, too, must have been murdered by the jealous Doc Snape, along with Potter and Pettigrew. Which one of these wizards was guilty, Snape or Black?

Lily was beautiful and her husband had been a respected man, while Severus Snape was an ugly wizard with a sour disposition. Even though he'd tended to the sick and wounded for years in this little town, people tended to believe the worst of him. Especially when a grieving widow was crying and a half-orphaned boy sneered at the tall, dark man. Strong feelings for the widow and orphan, despite the contrary rumor, spurred several townsfolk to seek out Snape and bring him to justice in any way possible including ambushing him. Fortunately, their sense of justice was stronger than their sense of vengeance and after disarming him, threw him into the local jail rather than killing him on the spot.

Remus Lupin, a good friend of the Potters and Sirius Black as well as Peter Pettigrew, was quickly elected as the new sheriff and appointed quickly by the mayor. On his first day in the job, which was the second day of Severus Snape's incarceration, he was visited by the town dentist, a man by the name of Dr. Granger.

Dr. Granger and his wife were Muggles, but they had been invited to join the community because their daughter Hermione was a witch. Hermione was nineteen, and she and her parents had lived in the town for three years. Hermione was still attending Madam Minerva McGonagall's school, which tutored pupils of all ages from eleven years upwards. While pupils usually started their education at the age of eleven, there was much to learn, and the children had to work in the fields and farms with their parents or help with household chores. Because of this, many of them had to postpone their studies and continue longer until they'd learned what they needed. Madam McGonagall taught students of many ages, and Miss Granger wasn't the oldest among them, though she’d progressed much faster than anyone.

Dr. Granger mended teeth, and he worked constantly with Doc Snape, who produced potions for Dr. Granger to use. Dr. Granger could pull teeth and even mend them with lead or gold fillings, but a Muggle could not brew a potion, and so the men worked together. Mrs. Granger assisted her husband, and some said she was able to pull teeth and tend to patients with much kinder and gentler hands than her husband, though not many wizards dared to let a mere woman, and a Muggle at that, touch their teeth. Their only child, Miss Hermione, was no great beauty, but she was a very pretty girl, with a glorious mane of curls, even if it did tend to stick out in all directions in the wild prairie winds no matter how tight she tried to braid it, and very large front teeth. She had intelligent brown eyes, and her corset molded her body to perfection.

It was said that Ronald Weasley, the youngest son from the large Weasley brood, was quite smitten with Miss Granger, but his advances had so far been unwelcome. Mr. Ronald Weasley had very few prospects. His parents were Irish immigrants who grew potatoes and spent a lot of time squabbling with the neighbouring Mr. Malfoy, a highly successful cattle rancher.

Dr. Granger came to see Sheriff Lupin with unexpected news: he, his wife and their daughter were all willing to vouch for Mr. Snape's innocence. They'd tried to make the statement before, but the townspeople, too agitated by widow Potter's accusations, had refused to listen to them. Mr. Snape, said Dr. Granger, had been silently courting Miss Hermione for several months and had spent the day of the tragedy with the Grangers. Dr. Granger and his wife had both chaperoned the courting couple that day from early morning, and the wizard hadn't been out of their sight for more than three minutes to drop into the outhouse. Dr. Granger's practice and home were on the opposite side of town from where Potter and Pettigrew were murdered. Even if he'd Apparated or flown, three minutes wouldn't have been enough time to commit the complicated crime of murdering Potter, Black and Pettigrew and completely destroying two corpses without a trace. 

Sheriff Lupin fetched Mayor Dumbledore to certify their claims by using Legilimency. The mayor confirmed their story but Lily Potter protested loudly, claiming that there was no way Severus Snape was courting any girl. It was widely known Doc Snape had always adored and loved Lily, or so said Lily herself. Some sharp eyes and sharper tongues did notice how much Mrs. Potter had aged in the years since she'd given birth to her son. Her once shapely figure gaining weight, the prairie winds wrinkling her skin and work causing her hands to become callused, just like any other woman. Mrs. Potter had dedicated her life to motherhood while Miss Hermione Granger was twenty years younger and adored books and learning, just like Doc Snape. The notary, Mr. Flitwick, testified that Mr. Snape and Mr. Granger had used his services to draft a marriage contract, which he'd also shown to the travelling judge, Justice Kingsley Shacklebolt, with their permission to gain some extra insight on legal matters. Fortunately for Snape, Justice Shacklebolt was still in residence.

Doc Snape was released the same day by the orders of both Mayor Dumbledore and Justice Shacklebolt. The usually taciturn man looked unusually gentle when he greeted young Miss Granger, and shook hands with both Dr. Granger and Mrs. Granger. Lily and Harry Potter stared at them with anger and hatred, but they could do nothing but watch as Doc Snape took the carriage with the Grangers.

The tension in town was palpable for the next two days until suddenly Mr. Ronald Weasley and Mr. Harry Potter Apparated into town, supporting with them a very ill and weakened but clearly alive Deputy Sheriff Sirius Black. The wizard was very dirty and sore. He'd been restrained and held captive in a cave by none other than Peter Pettigrew and the notorious criminal and murdered Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle, a man who killed with no compassion and had a long criminal record from both Muggle and wizarding worlds: multiple counts of robbery, swindling, and murder using the darkest possible magic, and more. Pettigrew had fooled them all. He'd used lies to lure Deputy Black away and helped Voldemort imprison him in a cave, and then impersonated Sirius to lure James Potter to his demise. Apparently, James Potter had been on Voldemort’s tracks and had been about to uncover evidence to implicate Pettigrew for his part in the crimes, and he'd sworn to capture and hang Voldemort himself.

Apparently Voldemort had wished to keep Black alive for a few days more, then torture him and return his corpse to Hogwarts. Sirius Black didn't know why, though he threw a guess that Snape either was or had been in league with Voldemort in one way or another, and though he could say Snape didn't kill James Potter, he accused Snape of being an accomplice. Mayor Dumbledore defended Snape once again and told everyone Snape was completely reliable and not, in fact, a criminal, but Black and the Potters did not trust him.

The day after that a dark-clad wizard rode into Hogwarts. His black hat was drawn to cover his red-tinged eyes, and his clothes were black but decorated with green and silver serpents. Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle rode into town on a black Thestral, which had been driven insane. The carnivorous beast should have been quite friendly and tame, but this one was foaming at the mouth, barely restrained from attacking the witches and wizards who fled from the scene.

Tom Riddle was known by many names, which were all printed in his Wanted-posters. The most known were ‘The Dark Master’ and ‘Voldemort’, but those who were afraid to say his name called him the Rattlesnake of Kansas, for he struck as fast as an angry serpent and with far less provocation. His favourite spells left their victims to suffer and die slowly for hours on end.

Voldemort jumped from his saddle and restrained the Thestral outside the Hog's Head saloon run by Aberforth Dumbledore. The old whore, Sybill, who lived in a room above the saloon and also read cards and tea leaves for a reasonable price when she wasn't spreading her legs for customers, shrieked and slammed her windows shut loudly. The Thestral kicked a hole into the water-trough and Voldemort let out a hissing chuckle. He gazed thoughtfully at the memorial of the late Sheriff Moody, who'd died two decades ago in an unfortunate accident involving a loaded Muggle gun, a chicken, a bottle of Firewhisky and a self-boiling tea kettle, and spat on it.

The street had emptied. Witches and wizards were taking refuge inside their homes, though the braver ones peeked through their small windows, ready to duck at any time

Voldemort walked calmly to the main street, Pettigrew trailing behind him. He kept a sharp eye on the buildings and for any movement, and his wand was drawn. Pettigrew looked much less calm. He was panting with fear and was ready to hex anyone who he came across.

A man stood on the other end of the main street. His big white hat wasn't wide enough to shade his entire long beak of a nose, his eyes were black as coal, and his back hair usually reached his shoulders but now it was pulled back with a leather string. His long limbs were clad in dark jeans, and his black robes covered whatever shirt he was wearing. The tall and lanky man leaned against a building with a deceptively easy posture, but he, too, was holding his wand. On his left side he had a Muggle gun, a Colt, in a leather holster. It was Doc Severus Snape. 

A mournful and ominous tune rang in the air, and Voldemort, Pettigrew and Snape all narrowed their eyes and then pointed their wands towards the barber’s shop and fired a Stunner each. They hit their target perfectly in unison, taking out Mundungus Fletcher, who’d played the tune with his harmonica. Snape and Voldemort nodded with mutual satisfaction. Nobody fucking annoyed a Slytherin.

“Severus,” Voldemort greeted the tall man, but Doc Snape merely nodded silently. Voldemort frowned, but continued, “I've come to take over this town. I also want Dumbledore's wand.”

“You can certainly try,” drawled Snape lazily. 

“Oh, I'll do more than try!” 

"So, it was you all along. You killed the sheriff."

"No," shrieked Pettigrew shrilly, interrupting the men . "I killed the sheriff, but I didn't kill the deputy!" The little man hummed with glee. 

"Be quiet, Pettigrew!" Voldemort commanded, his voice now growing more tense and his eyes still on Snape. “And do you intend to turn your back like a traitor and try to oppose me, or will you take your place behind me?”

“I was never yours to begin with,” said Snape calmly. “When you sent Macnair to commission a potion for immortality, I knew at once whom I was dealing with.”

“And yet you sent me the potion. I am now immortal, because you took a silly girl’s virgin’s blood for me.”

Did you honestly think I'd sully Hermione for your immortality? She’s still innocent and so she shall remain until we wed. No, I loved her then, I love her now, and the potion I sent you...” Snape smirked, and all of a sudden his hands moved, almost too fast for anyone to see. He didn’t bother to challenge Voldemort to duel him, nor did he hold any longer speeches. It was the Slytherin way: a surprise attack is the best attack, one should leave the boasting and prancing to Gryffindors. Voldemort had already pointed his wand at Snape, the first syllables of the Killing curse on his tongue, when Doc Snape's Colt sang and a vicious non-verbal curse from his wand hit Voldemort at the exact same time as his bullet. Blood burst forth from vicious wounds all over Voldemort's body. No one had ever seen such a curse, but it was most certainly vicious. Snape's bullet hit Voldemort in the chest, quite close to his heart, and Voldemort was dead before he had time to recite the third syllable of the dreaded curse. He gargled miserably as he died and his dying breath rattled his chest. None could ever determine which one killed him, the curse or the bullet. Everyone knew Snape was a dangerous wizard who knew more Dark curses than anyone in town, but few knew he was such a fast draw with his Muggle gun, or that he was able to shoot left-handed while wielding his wand with his right. 

The townspeople let out a loud cheer of joy at the sight and crowded the street. Pettigrew squeaked and tried to Disapparate, but another flick from Snape's wand stopped him in his tracks and bound him with ropes. Pettigrew fell heavily on the ground. Mayor Dumbledore slapped Doc Snape on the back and Dr. Granger shook his hand, but Miss Hermione Granger let out a loud cry of joy and relief and jumped to his arms so fast her bonnet fell to her neck. The usually dour man wrapped his long arms around her, buried his long nose in her curly hair and then smirked nastily over her head at Mr. Harry Potter, who was holding back his rage, and Mr. Ronald Weasley, whose face was trying to determine if it should be green from nausea or puce from jealousy.

“Oh yes,” said Mayor Dumbledore to anyone who listened. “Voldemort approached Severus, who is a renowned master at Potions, and asked for a potion to achieve immortality. It would have required him to take a specific ingredient from a maiden who willingly gave it to him, but it needed to be taken with evil intent. Severus was never a Dark wizard, you see, and wanted to protect his intended, so he gave Voldemort a potion made with cow’s blood instead.” Voldemort had to be stopped, Dumbledore explained to everyone, and Severus was just the wizard to do it. It was by Voldemort’s orders that James Potter was murdered. His intent was to make the townspeople fear him so he could control the town easily. The only reason Voldemort strode so easily into town, Dumbledore said, was because he believed himself immortal and invulnerable. Otherwise, he'd have brought more men, vicious bastards like 'Killer' McNair, 'Butcher' Avery and 'Leather Sac' Macnair.

The town's whore, Sybill, offered Snape a free ride in her bed, but Snape sneered with disgust and turned away, still clutching his intended to his chest. Lily Potter flounced off in a huff when she realized the man who was declared a hero and whom she'd presumed to be her ardent admirer paid her no attention but clearly adored the young woman by his side. Her son and Sirius Black followed her, but Ron Weasley was too paralyzed with jealous rage to move. Finally, his red-headed sister slapped him over the head and dragged him away by his ear.

Dumbledore and Justice Shacklebolt interrogated Pettigrew with Veritaserum and found out the location of Voldemort's hideout. The townspeople gathered a few good men and attacked Voldemort's remaining brigands, who'd been hiding there. They were all captured, tried and sentenced to be hung because nobody wanted to find a Dementor to kiss them. A great feast was arranged to begin immediately after the public hanging. Snape was well rewarded for his services as there was a bounty on Voldemort’s head, but his favourite prize seemed to be Miss Hermione Granger, whom he'd wed the next week. Miss Granger was radiant with joy and was allowed to sit by Snape's side, and Snape fed her some of the doe he’d shot earlier to be roasted on a spit for the feast. 

Voldemort’s mad Thestral had been given to Snape, who’d spent a great deal of time taming it. It was said Miss Granger wouldn’t have allowed him to kill the creature anyway and would have shrieked his ears right off, but others claimed Snape wanted a steed that could at any time bite at his enemies viciously. The beast was now named ‘Mandrake’.

Lily Potter did not attend the feast, nor did Harry Potter or Sirius Black, though Sheriff Lupin did come, and he honestly congratulated the couple and apologized for any misdeeds he'd done and allowed to be done on Snape. Though Snape did not grant him pardon, his nod might perhaps have been interpreted as a hint that the apology might one day in the far future be granted. Ronald Weasley strolled in when the feast was served, but he only ate sullenly, glaring at Snape viciously. 

Close by Mr. Lucius Malfoy was haggling with George and Fred Weasley, the mischievous twins, though only Severus knew what their discussion was about. Mr. Malfoy, an old friend, had once again complained about the twins and the pranks they pulled on his cattle, which tended to roam into the Weasley's farmlands. Their newest prank had the cattle grow a long fine fur coat. Snape had calmly suggested that Lucius might shear the cattle and sell the fur to make cloth. Never one to turn down a business opportunity, Lucius Malfoy had the fur tested. Discovering the fur cow fur repelled both dirt and hexes, it also held dyes easily and could easily be spun into fine and silky thread. The venture would make the Weasley twins rich and Lucius richer than he already was, and Severus would receive a fine cow-fur cape which billowed fabulously in the prairie winds.

Periodically, Lily Potter would try to cause scenes in her jealous rage. She had even gone as far as trying to seduce Doc Snape when her money ran out, but her advances were rebuffed and, to her great humiliation, several wizards witnessed her getting tossed out of Snape’s home. Harry Potter became a cattle rancher with his best mate Ron and began to earn money to support his mother, but Lily had been pampered and spoiled and for a while, things were rough for her. She eventually married Sirius Black and bore him a son, and the family lived comfortably enough, until Sirius got drunk and accidentally strangled himself with a veil. One of Sybil the whore's mysterious veils, in fact. That really pissed off Lily.

Severus and Hermione Snape had three children, one of whom would become the Headmaster of the American school of Magic, Ilvermorny, despite the handicap of being home-schooled. The two others made good careers for themselves as well, and their success was attributed to the talent and intelligence of their parents. Hermione would study with the local midwife Madam Pomfrey and one day became a midwife, although unofficially she learned medicine from her husband and could heal ailments just as well as he did, though she never would quite achieve his level with potions. They would learn and study together, amassing books imported from all over the States and Europe. Their collective expertise was sought out by many magical communities. And for many years you could hear old Aberforth tell a young boy, "That Doc Snape's really, really lucky, Luke." He also told the same to every Tom and Dick and Harry and, oh, right. Anyway.

But all that would happen sometime in the future. Right now, Doc Snape smirked smugly at Miss Hermione Granger, who'd become Mrs. Snape in a week. Right now he watched as Mayor Dumbledore showed his gaping mouth at Dr. Granger, who’d have to mend yet another tooth corroded by the boiled sweets Dumbledore constantly ate; Aberforth Dumbledore haggled with Arthur Weasley over the price of potatoes. Madam McGonagall was whispering something to Molly Weasley who laughed uproariously, and Notary Flitwick and Neville Longbottom were drinking themselves under the table.

All was well in the west.

  



End file.
